I spent 30 minutes staring at the dark sky from the porch. Nothing else went through my mind except a deep remorse of a 34 years of life seldomly counted. I lived with not much regrets nor really dreams. I lived in an auto cruise of immediate tasks, responsibilities and fervor. Only as far as my conciousness is able to understand, I have lived not by choice, but by grant, His grant. And what a great grant it has been.
I wonder, what choice will I make to make the best of my limited breathing time. What would He want out of me next. Thought of death does not scare me as much as each day of life scares me of not being a human being He intended me to be. I want to be near to Him, yet I can't help feeling unworthy.
Sometimes, maybe many a times, I float with my mind wandering further from this space. He blessed me without much yearning for life. Yet I take that freedom of mind for granted by not making concious choices. I marvel at the intricacies of His creations, im in awe of the complexities that He puts in perfect equations. Yet with all His blessings, I wasted millions of moments in nothingness.
34 and dying - and nobody knows of this countdown but You.
The more weak and sick I get, the more I feel Your strength. I have resorted to Your will, yet I also know that you want to see mine.
God, why do I keep taking this air in my lungs for granted? How will I face you, the One I miss so much, yet never had enough effort for? Will you save me from regret of not doing enough, the day thay you have ordained for me to die? Will you?
I know it's up to me, i just wish I knew where to begin tonight.
With love, pining and whining,
Your partly concious servant
I wonder, what choice will I make to make the best of my limited breathing time. What would He want out of me next. Thought of death does not scare me as much as each day of life scares me of not being a human being He intended me to be. I want to be near to Him, yet I can't help feeling unworthy.
Sometimes, maybe many a times, I float with my mind wandering further from this space. He blessed me without much yearning for life. Yet I take that freedom of mind for granted by not making concious choices. I marvel at the intricacies of His creations, im in awe of the complexities that He puts in perfect equations. Yet with all His blessings, I wasted millions of moments in nothingness.
34 and dying - and nobody knows of this countdown but You.
The more weak and sick I get, the more I feel Your strength. I have resorted to Your will, yet I also know that you want to see mine.
God, why do I keep taking this air in my lungs for granted? How will I face you, the One I miss so much, yet never had enough effort for? Will you save me from regret of not doing enough, the day thay you have ordained for me to die? Will you?
I know it's up to me, i just wish I knew where to begin tonight.
With love, pining and whining,
Your partly concious servant
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