"There is no seamless way to close a chapter without acknowledging its existence in the new one. The link here is a tribute to the days before these days -http://nyott.blog.friendster.com"

Saturday, July 2, 2016

#throwback - About a Mother

May 20, 2006, 5:54 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

How do u tell a mother cat that her child is gone?
I was awaken this morning by her cry as she looked down the balcony. As I peered to see what was she looking at, there it was, the tiny kitten already afloat and frozen in the pool. She still thinks its alive so i went down to get it. Not to my surprise the kitten was long gone.

I told her it’s okay while i'm thinking what the hell, she won’t even know what i'm saying. The thing about human (with religions) you can always tell them to turn to God. But how do you tell a cat to do that? I wonder, in the most super natural way, does God let them know about his existence. Are they made to know that all sufferings will come to an end one day or do they just breathe until its their turn to stop, which then led me to think hey, that’s what most of us are doing anyway despite of what we are made to know of. So thinking that i may not find the answers in that short time span, i decided to sing while holding her in my lap. So for bout half an hour, there i was singing a tune from Miss Sheila "aku cinta padamu" (i love you) after considering rock-a-bye baby would not be appropriate for this occasion. I might as well let her know i love her.

And to my surprise her crying stopped, and she went about her usual business like nothing happened. Maybe she just wanted me to stop singing haha, but i got some answers there and then.

1. About my faith - i purposely sang a love song and avoided any songs with the word baby, even though i know she wont understand it. I must have some faith that sumone up there will let her know what i was telling her.

2. About God Maybe he didn’t have to tell her anything. All he did was take the pain away.

Kite Flying

     I was recently reminded of flying. Here's a tribute to all beautiful kites blown by the wind through space and time. The song of the night will be this :) 

Saturday, June 25, 2016


Lyrics to an unsung song, written a year ago. Loneliness is beautiful. Perhaps I was reminiscing a moment in time. The song is in malay. The meaning...perhaps meaningless.. :)

Verse 1:
Merpati di tepi tingkap
Sedang nyonya menyidai baju
Bagai mengadu
Perihal pagi itu

Sang Miao berjalan
Mencari makanan
Lagak kaki lima dia…empunya

Jutaan jantung degup
Dalam satu alam
Tersenyum ku memandang..

Mana mungkin kan sepi
Walau tersergam ku seorang diri
Dunia-Nya menemani
Dengan setia pasti
Tanpa sana-sini menabur kan janji

Verse 2:
Terkejut dengar jeritan
Dari pintu kedai di depan
Ada drama cinta
Yang sedang dilakonkan

Sang Miao berjalan
Mencari makanan
Lagak kaki lima dia…empunya

Jutaan jantung degup
Dalam satu alam
Tersenyum ke memandang..

Repeat Chorus:
Mana mungkin kan sepi
Walau tersergam ku seorang diri
Dunia-Nya menemani
Dengan setia pasti
Tanpa sana-sini menabur….

Mana mungkin terasa sepi..
Walau tersergam ku seorang diri

Dunia-Nya menemani
Dengan setia pasti
Tanpa sana-sini menabur….kan janji

Saturday, June 18, 2016

#throwback - Hello life!

So, a decade ago when  some local tycoon decided to buy over Friendster and turned it into an avatar infested gaming site, all my previous blog posts were gone...until a silent reader contacted me and told me he had backed up all of them! So I'm introducing the #throwback time where I will post those long lost blogs from another time. A time of much more naivety, much more melancholy (but of course) and many more typos. Here's one to start with :)

November 12, 2006, 4:07 am
Filed under: 

I’m practically still glued to my bed rite now, with my mind wondering off someplace. So i decided to write again.

Last weekend i was the "best woman" for my best friend’s engagement. The 3 of us stayed up for 2 nights in a row getting everything in place. Gosh, if only the guy knew how much of things we had to do to welcome their arrival. I mean, all of us were nearly down with fever the night before the engagement. I dont mind me as im sickly anyways, but the fiancee to be, she needs to be in good shape! But all in all it works out really well. She looked gorgeous in her green kebaya and white, glittering selendang. Like a princess. And yes, i shed my tears (no big surprise) when the guy’s mom hugged her tight in her arms. Can’t help it, it was really sweet. I cant forget the look on her face as she laughed when she saw my tears. It was sooooo expected huh. Anyway, im so happy for you darling and i cant wait to shed more tears when the big day arrives!

Later in the week i went to a memorial service for another friend’s mom whom just passed on. She’s a free thinker but the mom requested to be baptized a month before she passed on.So the service was a Christian one with songs and prayers. I did not know the mother, but from the eulogy, she must have been a wonderful woman. And i prayed that she is taken care of as well as how she must have deserved it. And yes, me cried again.

And to complete the circle of life, i went to a colleague’s (whom just admitted he’s married) baby shower in Royal Selangor Club. It was suprisingly grand for a baby’s party. As i played with the little one, i prayed that he’s going to grow up strong, healthy and handsome just like his daddy, but maybe with a little more honesty thrown in  ;). No tears for this one, hurray!

So yes i saw a glimpse of many phases in life last week and walked out of each ceremony, taking a ciggie out of my bag and smoke away.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Follow Up to Hit by Colours

Intuition and desire are rarely on the same page. Which is why I need to better manage the lifelong disputes of the two.

Hit by Colours

No pink. I must have grown somewhat. A few weeks back, i intended to...pause... a little. And like prayers being answered, I was hospitalised for about 10 days. And i guess what people do when you can't move or think much without a whole lot of effort, you lie there blinking almost in a mix tempo and inevitably contemplate. Which is why the cheesiest drama scenes will summit in the hospital bed.

The summit of this post is still cheesy, but the hospital is just the beginning. When i got discharged, i experienced an interesting realm. I find myself able to read colours, the ones not so apparent to the naked eye. So I experimented for fun and out of sheer curiosity. Over the internet, I chatted with friends on this experience and they  quizzed me about what colours they were in (and on) up to the undergarments they were wearing, and it turned out I guessed them right (green and pink are not a usual undergarment colour combo). Told my papa and he asked me to guess what colours do I see him in and i scored again.(yellow shoes walking on green grass). To add spice into it, I tried again on a stranger whom I was meeting for the first time and guess what, he was wearing a gray and blue shirt with blue pants which was the colour i saw in my mind! I even taught a friend today on how I think she could read colours and guess what, she got the colours right too!  A friend asked, why do you think you are getting this now?

This evening I got my answer. 

I was getting a massage, and suddenly I saw the colours of soil like I was being buried in a grave, and  a few minutes later, I saw a white body by the windowsill with the sun shining on it. And I remembered thinking, hmm who's colour am I picking up from? It's already dark outside, why am I seeing sunlight? Half hour later my husband came and told me, our snowy white cat was hit by a car and died and he was late because he was burying the cat. 

No, that's not the answer.

As tears flowed down my cheeks on the ride home, I asked God, what does he intend to show me? And I got my answer almost immediately. The many weeks prior which started with my intention to pause came from an overwhelming fog of circumstances that threw me off balance into a complete lost world-on memories of the past, responsibilities of the present and the unknown future stirred together like a bowl of caesar salad.  And like a typical human being, i resolved in living day to day trying not to face it and break down when realities hit from time to time.  And being able to confirm my gut feeling through the vision of colours, I realised that I can trust that feeling and not defy it with more convenient logical explanations. For those who know me, they know how much I don't trust and follow gut feelings which resulted in many unfortunate events of randomness. Oh how I love being random. So my cheesy summit of the story ends this way:

When you are lost, don't look for answers from others, not even mr google. Just tune in to your heart and most importantly trust it. You will see your answers with your heart's eyes. I don't think seeing things is a special gift, after my lesson to my friend, i learnt that we all can do it if we tune in to our surroundings. Answers are within us, we are just to stubborn to believe the intuition. And most of time, at least I can say for myself, it's less painful to tune out. Out of the need of survival and preservation of sanity, we have practised and mastered not tuning in.

From what i've experienced, the first incredible step to do this is none other than to pray and pause...and of course the next step after getting the answers, is the most impossible one, which I have successfully failed time and again due to lack of effort which is, to do what you gotta do.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Not A Paint Job: Viva Deutschland!

Quiet night, quiet stars to look through albums and make a collage from days in Germany. Here's to the land of the world's best breakfast!