Follow Up to Hit by Colours

Intuition and desire are rarely on the same page. Which is why I need to better manage the lifelong disputes of the two.

Hit by Colours

No pink. I must have grown somewhat. A few weeks back, i intended to...pause... a little. And like prayers being answered, I was hospitalised for about 10 days. And i guess what people do when you can't move or think much without a whole lot of effort, you lie there blinking almost in a mix tempo and inevitably contemplate. Which is why the cheesiest drama scenes will summit in the hospital bed.

The summit of this post is still cheesy, but the hospital is just the beginning. When i got discharged, i experienced an interesting realm. I find myself able to read colours, the ones not so apparent to the naked eye. So I experimented for fun and out of sheer curiosity. Over the internet, I chatted with friends on this experience and they  quizzed me about what colours they were in (and on) up to the undergarments they were wearing, and it turned out I guessed them right (green and pink are not a usual undergarment colour combo). Told my papa and he asked me to guess what colours do I see him in and i scored again.(yellow shoes walking on green grass). To add spice into it, I tried again on a stranger whom I was meeting for the first time and guess what, he was wearing a gray and blue shirt with blue pants which was the colour i saw in my mind! I even taught a friend today on how I think she could read colours and guess what, she got the colours right too!  A friend asked, why do you think you are getting this now?

This evening I got my answer. 

I was getting a massage, and suddenly I saw the colours of soil like I was being buried in a grave, and  a few minutes later, I saw a white body by the windowsill with the sun shining on it. And I remembered thinking, hmm who's colour am I picking up from? It's already dark outside, why am I seeing sunlight? Half hour later my husband came and told me, our snowy white cat was hit by a car and died and he was late because he was burying the cat. 

No, that's not the answer.

As tears flowed down my cheeks on the ride home, I asked God, what does he intend to show me? And I got my answer almost immediately. The many weeks prior which started with my intention to pause came from an overwhelming fog of circumstances that threw me off balance into a complete lost world-on memories of the past, responsibilities of the present and the unknown future stirred together like a bowl of caesar salad.  And like a typical human being, i resolved in living day to day trying not to face it and break down when realities hit from time to time.  And being able to confirm my gut feeling through the vision of colours, I realised that I can trust that feeling and not defy it with more convenient logical explanations. For those who know me, they know how much I don't trust and follow gut feelings which resulted in many unfortunate events of randomness. Oh how I love being random. So my cheesy summit of the story ends this way:

When you are lost, don't look for answers from others, not even mr google. Just tune in to your heart and most importantly trust it. You will see your answers with your heart's eyes. I don't think seeing things is a special gift, after my lesson to my friend, i learnt that we all can do it if we tune in to our surroundings. Answers are within us, we are just to stubborn to believe the intuition. And most of time, at least I can say for myself, it's less painful to tune out. Out of the need of survival and preservation of sanity, we have practised and mastered not tuning in.

From what i've experienced, the first incredible step to do this is none other than to pray and pause...and of course the next step after getting the answers, is the most impossible one, which I have successfully failed time and again due to lack of effort which is, to do what you gotta do.

Not A Paint Job: Viva Deutschland!

Quiet night, quiet stars to look through albums and make a collage from days in Germany. Here's to the land of the world's best breakfast!

The One

I spent 30 minutes staring at the dark sky from the porch. Nothing else went through my mind except a deep remorse of a 34 years of life seldomly counted. I lived with not much regrets nor really dreams. I lived in an auto cruise of immediate tasks, responsibilities and fervor. Only as far as my conciousness is able  to understand, I have lived not by choice, but by grant, His grant. And what a great grant it has been.

I wonder, what choice will I make to make the best of my limited breathing time. What would He want out of me next. Thought of death does not scare me as much as each day of life scares me of not being a human being He intended me to be. I want to be near to Him, yet I can't help feeling unworthy.

Sometimes, maybe many a times, I float with my mind wandering further from this space. He blessed me without much yearning for life. Yet I take that freedom of mind for granted by not making concious choices. I marvel at the intricacies of His creations, im in awe of the complexities that He puts in perfect equations. Yet with all His blessings, I wasted millions of moments in nothingness.

34 and dying - and nobody knows of this countdown but You.

The more weak and sick I get, the more I feel Your strength. I have resorted to Your will, yet I also know that you want to see mine.

God, why do I keep taking this air in my lungs for granted? How will I face you, the One I miss so much, yet never had enough effort for? Will you save me from regret of not doing enough, the day thay you have ordained for me to die? Will you?

I know it's up to me, i just wish I knew where to begin tonight.

With love, pining and whining,
Your partly concious servant

Top Movie Picks!

Having a blank break from an extremely hectic week, so i decided to make a list of favourite movies. im trying to figure out, which among all is my number 1 favourite. I'll sleep on it and update on my next post. this is nice, listing out my favs, puts many thoughts into perspectives and refreshing to establish what I like and documenting it somewhere in space :)

TOP 3 FAVOURITE CLASSICS
1. breakfast at tiffany's
2. the godfather
3. fairy tale theatre BOX SET

TOP 3 FAVOURITE ROMCOM
1. begin again
2. when harry met sally
3. if lucy fell

TOP 4 MUST WATCH - cant decide which one to omit
1. le grand bleu ( the big blue)
2. as good as it gets
3. le grande belleza ( the great beauty)
4. breaking the waves

TOP 3 FAVOURITE DRAMA/SUSPENSE
1. blue velvet
2. mulholland drive
3. collateral

TOP 4 SO CHEESY I DONT CARE - cant decide which one to omit
1. love is all you need
2. love, rosie
3. mirror has 2 faces
4. pride and prejudice